Dating: communication and emotional sobriety

Published: 17th June 2009
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dating:communication and emotional sobriety

We are sober and interested in a relationship with the opposite sex.

This is a god given desire.a component necessary for the survival of the human race.

Some will advise us to not enter a relationship in early sobriety.This may be good advice,

however the choice is entirely personal and a decision each individual must discover for themselves.

When we do decide to begin dating and enter into relationships of friendship,romance and intimacy,

we need to be aware of some primary basic components required for any sucessful relations.

We easily see and learn these components in our recovery and 12 step groups.We realize that these are useful

tools in forming positive relationships in groups,then make up new rules for romantic relationships.

One concept is this: I am responsible for my thoughts,feelings,and emotions.

What I think, and how i feel is entirely my responsibility.It is no one else's.No other can be responsible for how I feel.

They are my feelings,ideas,and emotions.I own them.With the aid of a higher power than myself,I must be able

to accept resonsibility for my feelings.It is true that others may influence how we feel,especially those close to us.

Yet regardless how I am influenced,only I have power over my feelings.

I may have close friends in recovery.I have no problem explaining how I feel or what my thoughts are in the recovery group,

or with a recovery partner.I have no problem owning those feelings and ideas,asking for help and guidance when needed.

Then I enter a dating relationship,or intimacy.Suddenly I have changed the rules.My romantic partner is now responsible for how I feel.

When my feelings are not right it's their fault.when my thoughts are amiss it's thier fault.Sound familiar?

We must remember that communication is the key to any healthy relationship.when we do not feel right,or our thoughts are amiss,

we communicate this to our partner.These feelings or ideas are not their fault or responsibility,they are powerless over them.

Yet they may be able to help us, and if they care they will.Example; Say I'm feeling unimportant for whatever reason.

I express to my partner,"I'm feeling unimportant and it is causing me to question my value to you.Am I of Value to you as a person in your life?"

If the other truly cares they will not take offense to this type of question.They may state that you are of value to them and they care

about you.This may be enough to put the feeling away as irrational.However what if they become annoyed or irrated that you did communicate this to them, and now attack you for sharing?

They see this as inappropriate behaviour in group and in 12 steps,but now in a relationship they want to rewrite the rules.

Relationships for them do not work because they use the stinking thinking to try and run the relationship.Then they want to blame you for the demise of the relationship.Some are so self involved and arrogant they cannot consider feelings of another.

Here are some additional communication skills that do not work.Mind Reading: expecting the partner to know what I was thinking or feeling,

then get angry when they don't. Projection: making my partner responsible for my feelings-If I am not in control of my feelings or ideas,how can anyone else control them?

They are in me, a part of me.If I cannot control my own hand should I make it another's responsibility? Anger: this is always my responsibility and usually based in a fear I own.

When I am angry I need to check myself and stop blaming.My lord! We go to a restuarant and tell the waitress what our order will be.When our meal is delivered we

approve or send it back for further consideration-We Communicate!! If we are able to tell a complete stranger what we want and how we want it,and expect it to be

served to our specifications.Then why are we not able to offer our inimate friends or lovers the same communication.We go to group and are asked to share.We sometimes

offer very sincere and honest personal information,yet we are unable to communicate with a loved one.we all see things differently.We may not agree on many things.

However if we communicate with each other constructively we are able to understand each other and bridge differences.

Emotional sobriety is living in the peace and serenity 12 step living has allowed.It is living the 12 steps.Tolerance is our code.We look for the good in others.You will find discrepancy

in everyone.We are not saints.The point is we are seeking spiritual progress,not perfection.If you date another in recovery be honest,communicate,own your feelings,and share

emotions and ideas with the other.When you have sincerely given yourself with the other's interest in mind.You have communicated and shared your ideas and

emotions and owned them.You have served to benefit your friend or partner with love, then been left in the dust amidst a cloud of confusion,

charater assasinations,and blame.Remember, not all have emotional sobriety.It is something gained slowly over time.It is discovered afgter working the 12 steps and

having achieved some meaningful sobriety.The inability for love and tolerance of some, and their denial of AA unity is a poison as deadly as alcohol or any drug.Refuse to participate.

Try,try again.Never say die.If it's will of the greater being, it will be.My personal value is not determined by anothers inability to communicate or by their

decision making capability.I try to follow my higher power with all my might.My ability to be open with love and tolerance of others will not be undermined by anothers judgement of me

in a dating experience.My God is stronger than the destructive habits some continue to practice in recovery.I will continue to seek and pursue Sober Date Fun, one day at a time.

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